When I own a restaurant*
When I own a restaurant it will be almost exactly like Walter Foods in Williamsburg, but it will be as if the service staff have just given up.
Bottle of wine? We’re just going to yank the sleeve off the top and pound the cork in with a ballpoint pen (or, as was suggested last night, open it with an actual house key).
Bottle of beer? You bet we’re going to open that shit with a lighter. YES AT THE TABLE.
Every once in a while we will saber open a bottle of champagne, for no reason, but whoever does it will also have to be smoking a cigarette. Will we do this outside, for safety? Probably not, depends on if there are ceiling fans or not.
Oh, they’ll still wear bow ties, but they won’t be tied or anything. And if everybody could be wearing sunglasses, that’d be great.
*I will never own a restaurant. Only crazy people open restaurants, and only the truly insane ones succeed with them.